This might seem like a simple question to some, but for me, it isn't. I have this stigma attached to me, thanks to my immediate family, that I "change my mind" all the time and that I have this inability to "stick with things".

However, I am just so sick of struggling. I work, tirelessly. I mean, tirelessly. From the moment I open my eyes, to the moment that I can no longer keep my eyelids from closing and I am falling asleep at my keyboard. I am working around the clock - being a mum to 5 kids, a wife, a friend to those around me who need my help, a conservationist, a housekeeper, the owner/operator of a physical store, the owner/operator of an online store, a student at Uni, and lately, a photographer once again; listed in order of my personal priority, but not necessarily acted upon that way.

....and through it all, where has it gotten me? Well, we are in the process of completing all that is involved in filing for bankruptcy. My mother has disowned me. My children are yearning for some mummy time, my poor husband is severely neglected. It is now a "normal" occurence for us to check who the caller is when our phone rings and we have a rule that it isn't answered if it comes up as private, because it usually means another bank or debt collector hassling us for money that we don't have. My house is a shambles and my poor kids have been living on takeaway and rummaging through the mountains of clean washing that I just can't seem to get folded, simply to find a pair of matching socks for school. My Uni, again, is going by the wayside and another subject about to be failed - not because it is too hard, but because I simply can't fit it into my day to even open a book and read a single page. By the very skin of our teeth, we have SOMEHOW managed to convince our landlord to have some faith in us and not to evict us for the $3000 in back rent that we owe.

There is so little of "me" left in ME. In happier times, I was sooo passionate about my photography, so energised by it. SO in love with my kids, and my husband. So ready to fight the fights that the environment needs us to. SO impassioned about child safety and child protection that I wanted to devote my life and my studies to it. SO ready to take on the world and to share with it all of these talents that people keep telling me I supposedly possess.

Now, I am downtrodden and deflated. I am tired, no, exhausted. Nothing energises me any more, and few things, apart from my kids, make me feel alive or bring a smile to my face. I mean, I have had dark times before, I have been on antidepressants for about 4 years now, but never, have I felt so defeated. Everything that I do seems to be just fruitless. It's 1 step forward and about 20 billion backwards. I am cynical, and distrusting. I am angry and volatile. The person that used to be known to many as "bubbly" and "exuberant" is now flat and aloof.

So, when is it time to admit defeat? When is it ok to simply throw my arms in the air and say "that's it! it's over! no more!". When is it ok to say, "right, shut it down. get rid of it all. clear it out and let the debt collectors come and deal with it"? When is it ok to be TRULY selfish, and say, "you know what? I'm over it. I'm over it all."

Should I just package up the stock that I have here that is unpaid for and send it back to the suppliers? Let our bankruptcy trustee try and sell the leftover stuff and pay out some of the poor suffering creditors that we owe money to? Should I just throw it all to the wind and forget what we are trying to build and the message that we are so fruitlessly trying to spread? I just know that if I did, in 5 years time, I'll look back and "know" that we could have been one of the booming eco-businesses - the same old adage - "coulda, shoulda, woulda".

My own conscience simply doesn't allow me to feel that I could hold my head up and be proud of who I am if my own actions result in a detrimental effect on others - meaning, I know that alot of my suppliers are struggling themselves and how can I simply send back our stock and expect them to wear it? Or likewise, allow them to be added to our creditors lists and simply write off our debts to them. But, at the same time, is it fair to walk around under a storm cloud and snap at my kids when they simply want to ask for a second of attention from their mummy, because of all of the stress I am living through? It is not their fault, they are just little kids and it was my choice to bring them into this world. They didn't choose to have a mum who doesn't know when to say "no" and who keeps taking risks in the hope that one day things will turn around.

How long are we expected to try and "stick it out", amassing more and more debt in the hope that "things will improve"?

You know, we are not greedy by any stretch. I sat here and heard a news report saying that Sarah & Lachlan Murdoch just bought a house in Sydney for $23m. Where is the justice in that? I mean really?! Can they honestly say that they work harder than us? Do they realise that they could be just as comfortable in a $1m house and could feel amazing if they spread the remaining $22m around to other families who need homes?

I'd be SO happy to simply be able to pay our rent, and our kids music lesson fees and to maybe be able to afford to go to the movies once in a while without having to spend the next 2 months recovering from the "frivolity" of spending money on a night out.

Is this the end of Ankle Biters? I don't know, but what I do know is that I can't go on like this for much longer. I need to stop this before there truly is nothing of "ME" left of "ME", because if we have nothing material to give, and then I have nothing of "ME" left to give, then what of my children? What do I have to offer them? What can I teach them about optimism and humanity? Children learn by example. It's an old cliche, but it's true. I know this as I've seen it and it is what all of my developmental psychology text books tell me. So what sort of example am I showing to them? "Hey kids, the meaning of life is this - run yourself into the ground, earn yourself a bad reputation and amass lots of debt. Ignore all of your personal needs and those of your family. This is the meaning of life - this will set you free".

Hmmmm, I think not. I think that something has to give, and that for once, I need to simply forget about the reactions of others that keep seeping into my thoughts and just say "to hell with it, it's all gotta go!".